What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 02:53
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As a woman, what would be you response to a male friend’s offer of a full body massage?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Can you turn 150 pages into a 5 minute presentation before a meeting?
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it wasn’t much.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He knew the spot.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I think the readers, may guess!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Would this be the day?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i lived it daily.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What did i know ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Who then, do I blame.?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I never cut or harmed myself..
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I have no regrets .
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I don,t even have a pension.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I waited trembling.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was scared of men, in general
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.